6 birthrights as a human & what happens when they are unmet

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I am currently studying a new modality as a therapist, and it has some amazing insights into the human psyche. The book, Gifts from a Challenging Childhood By Jan Bargstrom introduces these concepts as “the 6 birthrights” that every human has at birth. When these birthrights are not met, there eventually results in some issues arising. But what I really love about this modality is that it doesn’t stop at the diagnosis of pathology but instead introduces strategies on what to do about the issues if the birthrights are not met. I’ve spent 33 years as a therapist, and this is the first treatment modality that introduces simple strategies to employ with each unmet need. In summary the 6 birthrights begin with the statement that  “ every child ”

1. Is Valuable
2. Is Vulnerable
3. Is Imperfect and Human
4. Has needs and Wants
5. Is Spontaneous and Joyful
6. Is Attached

When a specific birthright is not met, an adult can present as

1. Value: The adult will present with either shame (one down) or superiority (one up) Most people can recognize shame in their thoughts or behavior but rarely admit to superiority but haven’t we all muttered something unkind under our breath at the slow driver in the fast lane?
2. Vulnerable: The adult will present with either porous and floppy boundaries or Impermeable and rigid ones. Someone who can’t say no or just as equally someone who is incredibly stubborn. 
3. Imperfect, human: The adult will proudly declare them selves a perfectionist or on the flip side, knowing they can be perfect will “act out” by hoarding, rebelling, being belligerent or going against a commonly accepted social construct.
4. Needs and wants: The adult will present with either anti-dependent (Overly independent type who never asks for help and carries all the groceries inside in one trip.) or co-dependent/anxiously needy who creates a network of forums with which to seek validation or correct instruction from others.  OR  a third issue which is Needless/wantless. This person is the “easy going” one who doesn’t have an opinion and will go along to get along and never really cares where you go out to dinner. That awareness that this is a response to an unmet birthright made me downright sweaty because I’ve always prided myself on my easy-going demeanor and never considered to be a response to an unmet birthright of feeling able to express my wants or needs. 
5. Spontaneous and joyful; if not able to find the middle path of enjoyment without being at risk, a person will present with the issue of either being overcontrolled or rigid in their patterns resulting in an extraordinarily boring existence or inversely,  out of control with no structure, no plan and often suffering dire life consequences do to having no structure whatsoever. 
6. Attached: The adult will present either avoiding attachment  which looks like shutting down, silent treatment or disappearing into the basement to avoid a discussion or becoming so anxious in their attachment, they follow the other avoidant attached person around asking what they can do to fix it, always apologizing or worrying if others are mad at them. 

Now I love this modality because it doesn’t stop at pathology or “this is why you are the way you are” but explores WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT? Which gives us hope. We can be redeemed from ourselves. (and I find it so ironic that the way we do this redemption is from practicing the following)

To recognize our birthright to be

1. Valuable, we are to practice Loving the self
2. Vunerable; we are to practice Protecting the self
3. Imperfect, human, we are to practice Knowing the self 
4. Needs and wants, we are to practice Caring for the self
5. Spontaneous and joyful, we are to practice Moderating the self
6. Attached, we are to practice Connecting the self to others

The way out of own way is OURSELVES. The way out is to explore and be curious about our own self. Not in a self-critical or “it’s all about me” narcissistic way but in a real, raw, and honest account of our own unmet needs and then we start exploring these issues with curiosity and not criticism. We start asking what we can do to fulfill and understand these needs rather than staying resentful that others can’t parse out what we need and do it for us. I’ve heard someone smarter than me say once, “expectations are often pre-mature resentments." I think we have resentments when we do not recognize our unmet birthright and require a person that is not ourselves to magically know what it is we need and give it to us without out participation or even communication. By first understanding what is unmet, we can start to begin to give ourselves the things we need to meet it.  

Respectfully…

NS