the freedom in letting yourself go
[Welcome to our annual Guest Writer Series. Meet articulate contributor #10...]
I know this sounds ridiculous. Especially in a country and culture where beauty seems to be the most valuable commodity of being human. I come at this from a weird perspective. Let me give you some background for context. I’ll warn you this is going to sound conceited at best and narcissistic at worst so, do with this information what you will, but I used to be conventionally good looking. I know in our culture women are not supposed to describe themselves in this way and granted I didn’t really know that about myself when I was good looking, it was only something I realized after I left it. When I say left, I mean the conventional beauty of the magazines and multibillion dollar beauty industry standard. Blond hair, curvy but still slender body, all the trappings of the quintessential girl next door type. I fought this beauty as a child and adolescent, wearing boys clothes and making myself look “fat” in my bathing suit so boys wouldn’t look at me, dressing goth or punk so I could disguise my true hair color and slender figure. I’ve always felt self-conscious about my looks so maybe it is why I believe that leaving behind good looks is a sort of freedom. Let me explain further.
In my 20s and early 30’s I posed as a model or a few things and got a lot of attention, mostly unwanted by me because I’ve always been driven to be admired for my intelligence and not outward appearances. (I know that sounds like a cliché, but it is true). Once I began to embrace my looks, things happened that were both empowering and infuriating. I would get out of speeding tickets without trying; people would beg for more photoshoots; I would get complimented by random strangers, and then, almost every single time, the server would not bring my food at a restaurant. Everyone else would get their order quickly and I was always put in the position of having to wait or be given something I had not ordered. At first, I thought it was a one off but it happened too many times to be a coincidence. I’m saying all of this because so many people pay incredible amounts of money to be the version of themselves that they believe will make them beautiful, but I say that they are barking up the wrong tree. If you truly want to be seen and admired for who you truly are, let yourself “go.”
I’ve always found that saying hilarious; “She had really let herself go,” as if letting your natural hair color shift from blond to grey is a sin against the beauty gods. It’s as if someone will jump out at me on the street corner and issue me a citation for my grey hair and comfortable shoes. Even my own family members have had some trouble seeing me differently. Not outwardly hostile to the change, just little digs such as, “you’re really not going to dye your hair anymore?” Or “I really miss seeing you in heels”… “you were so beautiful in (insert outfit here),” etc. As a former punk who really embraced the philosophy even more than the outfits, I can tell you I am REBELLING against what the world tells me I should look like in my mid 50’s. I see it in many of my Gen X’er compatriots. We are the generation who say “no” to a lot of conventionality throughout our lives, and I can see it in many people my age all over the world. And here is what I’ve found now that I am allowing my own little mini rebellion of “letting myself go”…
I’ve become invisible in the best way possible.
I don’t get heckled or wolf whistled at on the street by strangers. I don’t get stared down by random strangers who look like they’d love to have me on a plate with a biscuit. I get my food, on time, with the rest of the people at my table. Frankly, now that I’m chubby and grey, I am now regarded as a human being. I get looked at in the eye rather than, well, elsewhere. I get asked questions because they know I have life experience. I get to overhear conversations of other strangers on public transport because they’ve forgotten I’m there. I’m no longer a novelty to be gawked at or consumed by someone’s eyes. I am a fully formed human being and I’m able to live and move in the world as fully myself. I don’t need to check my appearance in a mirror for others’ approval, only my own. I buy clothes for comfort and durability rather than things with buckles, straps or garters that will bind and proffer attention for my body parts rather than my soul. This is the ultimate in freedom to move about the world without constraint. It is the best form of invisibility I’ve found, and I’m not giving it up for any amount of free face cream you can offer.
Respectfully…
NS
