what makes a good life?

The longest-running study on human happiness began in 1938 and continues to this day. The Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed people for more than 85 years, through careers and marriages, successes and failures, wealth and hardship, sickness and health, all in an attempt to answer a deceptively simple question: what makes for a happy and meaningful life?

Maybe we’re going out on a bit of a fanciful limb here, but my strong sense is that most of us want both. We want our lives to be happy, and we want them to matter. 

I’ve thought about this many times while listening to former U.S. Senator Ben Sasse’s insightful Not Dead Yet podcast. Sasse, who received a terminal cancer diagnosis last December, begins each episode with the recognition that regardless of when death is coming—noting that some of us know when, while most of us don’t—we all have the same basic assignment: to figure out how to live a good and meaningful life. The conversations have been fascinating, interviewing guests ranging from comedian Conan O’Brien to actor Chris Pratt to Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett. They don't talk politics; they talk life. Note: they aren't the same thing.

It raises two important questions: (1) what makes you happy? And (2) what gives your life meaning?

After more than eight decades of research, the Harvard study has reached a remarkably consistent conclusion. That good life isn’t primarily built on money. Nor fame. Nor political or professional success. Not achievement either.

The single greatest predictor of health, happiness, and well-being is the quality of our relationships. Good relationships keep us healthier. They keep us happier. And they give our lives meaning.

Interestingly, the same research has looked at what we are teaching the next generation about what matters. Nearly 80% of students surveyed, however, said that their parents and society value achievement far more than relationships. They say their parents would be prouder of them for getting good grades than for building relationships or caring for people in their school or community. In other words, there’s a gap between our rhetoric and our reality.

We tell our kids that relationships matter. We tell them to be kind. We tell them to care about people. We tell them that character is more important than achievement. And then we spend our time demonstrating something else.

They watch us argue. They watch us hold grudges. They watch us judge people we barely know. We say relationships are important, but sometimes our behavior suggests that being right is more important. Or winning. Or being heard. Or yes, getting the last word.

Then we send our kids off to school and, without really intending to, reinforce the same message.

We celebrate the A, the starting position, and the finale’s solo. We cheer the graduation (from seemingly every grade now) and the college acceptance. We dote on the every accomplishment. And we should. Those all matter.

But maybe our kids don't need us to care less about achievement. Maybe they need us to care more visibly about relationship.

Our kids are learning our priorities less from what we tell them than from what we celebrate, tolerate, and model. They are watching what gets our attention, what makes us proud, and, perhaps most importantly, how we treat people when relationships get hard. (Don’t even start with social media.)

Let us be clear. This isn't a call for perfect parenting or perfect relationships. None of us model this perfectly.

But perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is to let them watch us repair.

Let them see us apologize. Let them hear us say, "I was wrong." Let them watch us forgive, not have the last word, nor choose to be offended. Let them see us disagree without becoming enemies. Let them watch us choose a relationship over our need to win an argument.

Because if the Harvard study is right, we're not just teaching our kids how to have a good childhood; we're teaching them how to have a good life.

One full of happiness. 

And indeed, one rich in meaning.

Respectfully…

AR